John Meyer Books
12 Movies That Celebrate the 12 Days of Christmas (That Have Nothing to Do with Christmas)
During Christmas week, I can almost guarantee you that I will sit in the dark and watch It’s A Wonderful Life and Scrooge (AKA A Christmas Carol starring Alastair Sim). Listen, the darkness adds to the somber cinematic experience… and masks the tears streaming down my face.
However, maybe the annual crush of Christmas classics has got you in the mood for something a little different this holiday season. I mean, how many times can you watch Elf? (The answer, of course, is a million.) But whether you’ve been naughty or nice this year, I’ve got the perfect gift for you: 12 fabulous films inspired by the 12 items mentioned in the holiday song, “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”
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Let’s start at the end of the song and work our way backwards…
12 drummers drumming: Drumline
Not every movie item on this list will match the corresponding numeral, but this one does! It’s a sports movie that quickly finds its rhythm when a talented drummer from the streets joins a Southern University marching band. Starring Nick Cannon and Zoe Saldana there’s nothing groundbreaking about the plot but the drumming is top notch from the first beat to the final flourish.
11 pipers piping: Braveheart
You don’t have to be Scottish to be inspired (or horrified) by the 1996 Academy Award winner for Best Picture. Putting aside the historical inaccuracies, it’s the brutal battle scenes that’ll have you fired up for freedom. And you don’t have to wait long for the pipers. They arrive early in the film after young William Wallace loses both his father and brother in a battle against the ruling English.
10 lords a-leaping: Billy Elliot
I was tempted to suggest a dull movie about the House of Lords. But this list is meant to entertain. So I’m jumping on the “leaping” part of the equation and recommending the comedy-drama about the English working-class boy who dreams of becoming a professional ballet dancer. And note that a grown-up Billy does perform in Swan Lake at the end of the film: a ballet that features a leaping Prince (who outranks a “lord” any day of the week).
9 ladies dancing: Black Swan
Sticking with the ballet theme, how about another film featuring Swan Lake? This time, an upbeat dance movie is pushed aside for a much darker, psychological thriller starring Oscar Winner, Natalie Portman, and Mila Kunis. (Note that this film might make you feel slightly uncomfortable. So make sure the lights are on and you have plenty of agreeable eggnog.)
8 maids a-milking: Inglourious Basterds
The three daughters of Perrier LaPadite are not exactly maids, but they do milk cows at his dairy farm. In fact, SS officer Hans Landa applauds both the French farmer’s family and his cows before ordering the execution of the family of Shosanna Dreyfus hiding underneath the floorboards. Nothing says “happy holidays” like a Quentin Tarantino alternative history revenge fantasy!
7 swans a-swimming: Hot Fuzz
Long before his shootout with the sadistic town elders in a quaint English town, police officer Nicholas Angel has his hands full with more mundane tasks like finding Peter Ian Staker’s missing swan who fits the description of being “two foot tall (with a) long slender neck, (and a) orange and black bill.” Start with the swan and stay for the over-the-top savagery in this action-packed comedy starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.
6 geese a-laying: Fly Away Home
At the halfway point in our “Twelve Days of Christmas” movie marathon, I think we need some family fare to cleanse our palette. So pack your bags for Canada for Fly Away Home starring a teenage Anna Paquin who bonds with her eccentric father, played by Jeff Daniels, when they try to teach some helpless geese how to fly south for the winter. It’s got lots of heart, and more importantly, lots of geese.
5 golden rings: Four Weddings and a Funeral
The 5 golden rings are most easily spotted in this Hugh Grant and Andie MacDowell breezy comedy. Even if you’re not a fan of weddings (or funerals), the film still rules with a 96% score on Rotten Tomatoes. “But wait a minute,” you say. “Wouldn’t it better if you found a film with five rings? I mean, this one only mentions four. I mean, it says so right in the title.” But there are more than four rings… you just have to wait for the montage at the end of the movie.
4 colly birds/calling birds: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
The only thing longer than the twelve days of Christmas were the three Peter Jackson Hobbit movies. Now I don’t want to bore you with ornithology here but a colly bird (or a calling bird, depending on your version of the Christmas song) is basically a blackbird. And the European variety of a blackbird is a thrush. Still with me? Well, a thrush appears at the end of the first Hobbit movie. It’s considered a sign of hope but the bird instead flies to the Lonely Mountain and breaks a nut… which awakens Smaug the evil dragon. Oops.
3 French hens: Chicken Run
High-end hens from France are called Faverolles. And they’re (apparently) quite delicious. But this is a movie list so let’s go with the stop-motion animated classic, Chicken Run. However, fans of the film might tell you that the hens are actually British and the rooster is American. True. So for the poultry purists, there’s also Roxane, a French dramedy featuring a farmer who tries to save his business by posting videos of himself on YouTube reciting Cyrano de Bergerac to his pet chickens. C’est vrai!
2 turtle doves: Face/Off
Since “The Twelve Days of Christmas” is a British song, I’m leaning towards the British definition of what a turtle dove is. A turtle dove is the more dainty British variety of a pigeon. But I’ll stick to the dove theme here and steer you towards a John Woo film. The Hong Kong filmmaker often incorporates white doves as symbols of peace and purity (or even the human soul) in his movies. And yes, they prominently appear in this sci-fi action thriller starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage.
and a partridge in a pear tree: Alan Partridge
Sorry, nothing foul (or fowl) here because I’m recommending the 2013 British comedy starring Steve Coogan. No, he’s not a bird and no, he doesn’t sit in a pear tree. But yes, he does play a big screen version of his hysterical BBC character, Alan Partridge. And it’s a funny movie to begin (or end) your holiday viewing at home. However, if you insist on some kind of fruit accompaniment, you can always make a date with The Princess Diaries. It’s not as funny as Alan Partridge but you can watch Anne Hathaway transform into the Princess of (fictitious) Genovia which is famous for its… pears.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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For more lists regarding movies and television, check out:
https://www.johnmeyerbooks.com/top-10-disturbing-things/
https://www.johnmeyerbooks.com/top-5-movies-that-make-me-cry/